


Medical Suite

by MagicaDraconia16



Series: 2021 Bingos [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Medical, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Hallucinations, Humor, Ironhusbands Bingo 2020, Magic, Medical, Medical Inaccuracies, Sitcom, TV Dramas, Tony Stark Bingo Mark IV, Trope Bingo Round 16
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:27:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29006043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicaDraconia16/pseuds/MagicaDraconia16
Summary: In today's episode: Tony Stark wakes up from his coma; Doctor Rhodes and Nurse Romanoff share a stolen moment of passion; and Wanda makes a mysterious phone call.Er, wait, that's not right...
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Tony Stark & Avengers Team
Series: 2021 Bingos [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2119095
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9
Collections: Ironhusbands Bingo 2020, Tony Stark Bingo Mark IV, Trope Bingo: Round Sixteen





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thank you to the peeps in the TSB discord who helped me with the name for SHIELD. 
> 
> Written for **Trope Bingo Round 16:** _O3 - AU: TV_ and **Tony Stark Bingo MIV:** _S1 - Cheesy_.
> 
> Also written for **IronHusbands Bingo:** _O3 - Doctor AU_ (chp 1) and _O2 - Wanda Maximoff_ (chp 2) - which nets me a second bingo! 
> 
> Card Number: 4019 (TSB) | Mk2003 (IH)  
> Square Filled: S1 - Cheesy (TSB) | O3 - Doctor AU (ch1), O2 - Wanda Maximoff (ch2) (IH)  
> Ship/Main Pairing: James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark  
> Rating: Teen  
> Major Tags: Fluff, crack (treated seriously), magic-induced hallucinations, TV dramas, medical AU, medical inaccuracies  
> Summary: As above  
> 

“Oh, doctor, I think he’s waking up!”

It took a while, but eventually Tony realised that yes, he existed; yes, he was thinking; and yes, he was indeed waking up. He kinda wished that whoever the voice had belonged to would turn off that damn alarm, though. It was loud and shrill, unbelievably monotonous and obnoxious all at the same time. In fact, it… sort of sounded like a heart monitor.

What the hell was a heart monitor doing in his bedroom?

“Mr Stark… Mr Stark? Can you hear me, Mr Stark?”

And… that was somebody _else_ in his bedroom. Christ, had he had a threesome last night? Pepper was going to be seriously and righteously _pissed_ if she was going to have to throw out more than one person…

Someone – presumably the same person who owned the male voice asking if he could hear them; and duh, he was asleep, not deaf – abruptly pulled open one of his eyelids, shining a bright light into his eye.

Tony made an outraged noise and tried his best to flinch away. God _damn_ it, just what did this person think they were playing at?!

“No need to panic, Mr Stark. You’re in St Helena’s Institute of Emergencies and Little Disasters, or SHIELD, Hospital. Can you hear me alright?”

Oh. They were playing at doctors. Alright. It wasn’t the first time Tony had done that kind of roleplay, although he much preferred to be the ‘doctor’, rather than the patient.

He gave an affirmative grunt and tried to lift an arm. Much to his surprise, his muscles didn’t so much as twitch. What the hell?

“It’ll take a little while for him to become fully conscious, but you’re right; he’s definitely waking up,” the male voice said to whoever else was in the room. The hand let go of Tony’s eyelid, and his eye fell shut, leaving sparkles to dance over half of the blackness.

“Will he be brain damaged?” the other, female, voice asked.

_Brain damaged?!_ Tony began trying to wake up in earnest. Brain damage was no laughing matter, not even a roleplaying one, not for him. He didn’t like any games that implied that he was ever in less than perfect control over himself. Even in BDSM games, he topped from the bottom. Always. So what the hell was going on now?

“I’m afraid it’s too early to say for sure, but rest assured that we’ll do everything we can for Mr Stark,” the male voice said, calmly. “I’ll send a nurse in to take his vitals. If you’ll excuse me…”

“Thank you, doctor!” the female voice said, gratefully.

Tony struggled again to lift his eyelids up. He was _really_ beginning to panic now. Why wasn’t his body obeying him? Had these people actually _drugged_ him before beginning this roleplay? Shit, was this going to be another video that ended up on the internet? Damn it, Rhodey was going to blow a gasket if it was. It had taken Tony six hours to talk his best friend down after the last one had been uploaded and almost immediately gone viral.

“Don’t you worry, baby, I’ll be right here beside you,” the female’s voice hissed in his ear, and Tony felt the flesh down his back erupt in goose-bumps.

Perhaps he was even more royally screwed than he’d thought.

* * *

When he _finally_ managed to drag his eyes open, he was met with the vast off-white stretch of ceiling ubiquitous to hospitals everywhere and a surprisingly empty room. Tony frowned. _Why_ was he in a hospital? Just what the hell had happened? And… why wasn’t he in the spacious and luxurious suite that he’d paid his local hospital in Malibu so much to have built…?

And also… how the hell was the heart monitor monitoring his heart when there were no wires or anything else connecting him to it?!

Tony frowned hard and forced one arm to move so that he could shakily pat all across his torso. No wires for the heart monitor, no needle for an IV, no nothing. Not even – he managed to lift the sheet a few centimetres to look under it – any bandages or new surgical scars. Hell, there weren’t even any _bruises_.

“What the fuck…?” he whispered to himself.

He turned towards where a bedside cabinet should be, hoping for the slim chance that Pepper would have left a phone there for him. Unfortunately, the only thing to meet his gaze was a short, squat vase of flowers.

Before he had the chance to get _really_ upset, the door to his room opened and – to Tony’s heartfelt relief – Rhodey strode in. Although… Tony’s relief took a bit of a nosedive when he realised just what his friend was wearing. Rhodey had on the long white coat standard to doctors everywhere, along with the requisite stethoscope draped around his neck and a patient clipboard chart in his hands.

“Uh, Rhodey—?” Tony queried, hesitantly. “What’s going on? Did you get roped into this threesome, too?” he tried to joke. “Never thought you’d be down for roleplaying.”

Rhodey looked up from the clipboard and scowled at him. “Mr Stark,” he said, sternly. “My name is Dr James Rhodes. I understand that you’ve only just woken up, and are probably quite confused, but please refrain from that kind of talk. We’re before the watershed, you know.”

Tony gaped at him. “What?” he mouthed.

“Now then.” Rhodey turned back to the door and pulled a wheeled cart into the room. From what Tony could see from lying flat on his back, the top of the cart was full of silver instruments that looked as though they’d come straight out of the factory destined for the torture room.

Or a surgical suite…

Rhodey lifted a syringe that looked as if it was as thick as Tony’s wrist, with a needle that looked as long as his arm and glinted wickedly under the florescent lights. “Please hold still for a moment,” Rhodey said, tapping the syringe until a bead of liquid appeared at the top and then turning to advance on Tony. “This won’t hurt a bit…”

“No, no, no, Rhodey, what are you doing… _Keep that thing AWAY FROM ME_!!”


	2. Chapter 2

By the time Tony had recovered from having a _giant needle stuck in his ass_ , he’d decided that he was going to _kill_ Rhodey the next time he saw him. Or maybe find a giant syringe of his own and stick it in _Rhodey’s_ ass, see how _he_ liked it!

He’d also realised that there was something deeply odd going on with this hospital.

SHIELD, he’d finally remembered, was not a hospital but instead was a shady government agency made up of men-and-women in black who had tried to debrief him when he came back from Afghanistan, helped to save Pepper when his godfather tried to kill them, conducted a little corporate espionage by sending one of their agents undercover at SI to spy on him, and brought together a little boyband called the Avengers to help fight aliens and save the world.

Or rather, they _had_ been a shady government agency, until it came out their enemy had been thoroughly intertwined with them, and the very agent who’d spied on him before had tossed all their files on the internet and brought everything crashing down.

Literally, in the case of the helicarriers.

Additionally, when Tony managed to lever himself out of bed and go exploring, there were less people around than he thought a hospital should have. Not to mention the occasional sounds of some emergency being brought in, despite the fact that a private room like the one he was occupying shouldn’t be anywhere _near_ an emergency department.

“Oh, doctor,” he heard a familiar female voice say, breathily, somewhere outside the room. “I’m just… so _afraid_ …”

Frowning, Tony peeked out of the room just in time to see a red-headed female dissolve into the fakest looking tears he’d ever seen. Rhodey, standing beside her, looked uncomfortable. Tony couldn’t blame him; he’d seen better acting on those daytime dramas that had been Ana Jarvis’ guilty pleasure.

“There, there,” said Rhodey, gingerly patting the woman on the shoulder. “I’m sure Mr Stark will be just fine.”

The woman let out a loud wail, and turned to bury her face in Rhodey’s shoulder. Rhodey looked even more uncomfortable.

“Doctor Rhodes, you’re needed in room twenty-one nineteen,” a nurse said from behind Rhodey.

Tony frowned. That nurse looked a great deal like _Natasha_. What in the everlasting _fuck_ was going on here?!

“Ah, thank you, Nurse Romanoff,” said Rhodey, stepping back from the wailing woman with such a look of relief that Tony half expected him to kiss Natasha.

He was therefore not _completely_ surprised when the two of them ducked into what looked like an empty room two doors down from Tony’s on the opposite side, and left the door open enough that Tony had a _very_ clear view of the two of them suddenly clutching at each other and kissing passionately. Rhodey’s hands were roaming everywhere, whilst Natasha hooked a leg around his hip.

“Oh, doctor,” she moaned, breathily. “I need an urgent check-up. I seem to be having heart palpitations!”

“Blech,” Tony complained to himself. “Rhodey, I thought you had better taste than that!”

The other woman, meanwhile, had stopped wailing, and was looking around with a sly expression, her face a lot less red and tear-streaked than it should have been, if she’d actually been crying. She pulled a phone out of her jacket pocket and pressed a couple of buttons before holding it up to her ear. “Thing is going well,” she said to whoever answered, in a thick enough Eastern European accent that Tony could practically chew on it. “They don’t suspect thing.” She paused, and then smiled. It was a cold, mean expression. “He awake, but not so hard to put him back in coma. And then… well, everything come to Mrs Stark.”

Tony stared at her, as the light hit her eyes and appeared to make them glow with an unearthly red colour. Oddly enough, his vision seemed to zero in on her eyes, narrowing in until they filled his entire field of sight and were all that he could see, and then—

—He blinked and flailed himself awake to the sight of yet another ceiling.

“Tony!” Rhodey exclaimed, leaning over him. He wasn’t wearing the white doctor’s coat anymore but was in regular jeans and T-shirt instead.

Tony clutched frantically at Rhodey. “Are you a doctor?” he demanded, fiercely, gripping the neck of Rhodey’s shirt to pull him closer. “Where’s your stethoscope? And if you’ve got any needles hidden around here, let me be the first to tell you – _you’re not sticking one in my ass again_!”

“What?” Rhodey did an odd combination of blinking and frowning at him. “What the hell are you on about?” he asked, attempting to prise Tony’s hand from his clothing. “Of course I’m not a doctor.”

“Oh, thank God.” Tony let him go and slumped back in the bed. “I had a horrible dream, honeybear. It was like being in one of those daytime soap operas that Ana used to make me watch with her when I was sick. You were there, as a doctor, and Natasha was there as a nurse and—” He paused, frowning. “And Wanda was there as my pretend girlfriend-slash-wife, who was planning to kill me,” he finished.

Wanda Maximoff – standing huddled beside the door of what Tony now realised was a room in the Avengers Compound med-bay – gave him a haunted look. “I’m so sorry, Stark,” she said. “The sorcerer we were fighting used my own magic and turned it on us.”

Rhodey snorted and rolled his eyes. “I ended up in an episode of Little House on the Prairie,” he informed Tony.

“You think that’s bad,” Sam Wilson added, “I ended up in some English show set in a _prison_ , of all things. Let me tell you, man, that was _not_ fun!”

“Steve ended up in what sounds like the Teletubbies,” added Rhodey in a conspiratorial whisper. Tony blinked, then blinked again, and then burst out laughing. Rhodey patted him on the leg through the blankets and straightened up, looking smug.

“So when are they letting me out?” Tony asked once he’d laughed himself out.

“Docs just want to give you a once-over, then you’re free to go as long as you go home and _rest_ for a full twenty-four hours,” Rhodey informed him. “That means no workshop, no tinkering, no tablet.”

“And no Pepper hassling me over meetings or paperwork,” Tony realised, gleefully. Sure, he’d likely be bored out of his mind by the time two hours had passed, but he could always start the re-watch of Game of Thrones that he’d been meaning to get to for weeks.

And if he had the urge to catch up on the soap opera that Ana Jarvis had so enjoyed? Well, that was no-one’s business but his.


End file.
